You have GOT to be kidding me!

In case you haven’t noticed I have had several babies.  There is a lot of stuff that you need to buy when you have a baby.  With each child I realized that parents actually need fewer things than they think they do.  But that is not the message that parents get.  I went into Babies R Them a few days ago trying to find my favorite brand of sippy cups, and my mind almost frothed over because of all the ridiculous baby stuff that is paraded in front of naive and gullible new parents.  The shops, however are nothing compared to the catalogs.  Especially the One Step Ahead catalog.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have ordered some great products from this catalog over the years.  But there are also some completely ridiculous things in there as well.  My list of most eye-rolling products:

DaysAgo Digital Day Counter. ($11.95 each!!!)
 No more wondering if that milk or baby food is still fresh enough to feed baby! With these unique stick-on timers, you’ll know exactly when you made that formula, expressed that breast milk, or opened that jar of baby food.

Uh, ever heard of a magic marker?

Mac & Cool Quick Cooling Dish ($6.95)
No more waiting for food to cool. Don’t make hungry kids wait! This ingenious cooling dish takes foods from “too hot” to “just right” in 60 seconds. Fill with one cup of water; keep in your freezer. To use, place food directly into it for one quick minute, then transfer it to your child’s plate. Great for oatmeal, macaroni, rice–even pizza! Holds one cup. Hand wash only.

Heaven forbid a child has to wait two whole minutes for his food to cool down! Bonus: hand wash only? Nice touch.

Space Coaster ($15.95)
This simplified version of our beloved roller coaster stimulates eye-hand coordination, visual tracking skills, and shape and color recognition. More importantly, tots can’t get enough of it!

I hate to break it to you, but kids don’t like these. It will take approximately 15 seconds for little Kaden to arch his back, shrieking, trying to throw this thing off of his tray. Just give the kid some crackers!

Tub-Time Bumpers ($29.95)
Our one-of-a-kind tub bumper surrounds little ones with soft, safe padding — and makes transitioning to the “big kid” tub infinitely safer. Suctions securely to tub walls. Rugged vinyl, with educational graphics. 11’L x 12″H; fits standard tubs. A great innovation in bath tub safety! Inflates in 10 minutes with our Hand Held Pump (sold separately)

I don’t even know where to start with these. Let me just say that your child will not be hitting his head on the side of the tub every five minutes. This is definitely meant to appeal to the hyper-paranoid parent. Oh, let’s not forget the inflation which requires not only 10 minutes, but a separate pump ($7.95).

TubSider II ($49.95!!!)
Does bath time leave you stiff and sore? Give your back and knees a break! Our orthopedic kneeling seat eliminates back and neck strain by positioning your spine properly. And now, its advanced Intelligel® cushions relieve pressure on your knees and elbows like never before. Height adjustable; folds for storage. Accommodates most shower tracks.

My main beef with this thing is not that it is stupid. I have had a sore back many a time after giving my kids a bath. I just am aghast at this price, plus the hugeness of this thing. It says it fold for storage. I’m guessing it doesn’t fold that much. Where are you supposed to keep this bad boy? I don’t know about you, but bathroom space in my house is at a premium. Who wants to be lugging this thing out all the time to give their child a bath? Here’s a much better idea: Put the child in the shower and call it good. No drowning, no sore knees.

Bumper Bonnet ($12.95)
Learning to crawl? Starting to walk? When baby is accident prone, the Bumper Bonnet prevents bumps, bruises, and tears. The soft, thickly-padded head covering acts as a protective cushion, shielding that delicate little head.
What baby isn’t accident prone? If you are considering this, please tell me you are also considering anti-anxiety medication. Because you have got to be one worried parent to get this thing.

Car Seat Comfort Footrest ($29.95)
No more painful dangling legs! You know how uncomfortable it feels when your feet don’t touch the ground? That’s how kids feel everyday in their car seats! Unsupported feet results in poor leg circulation (some kids even get painful “pins and needles”). The solution: slide our universal footrest under your child’s car seat or booster!
You have got to be fricking kidding me!!! Their legs are like 8 inches long! Their feet never touch the floor no matter where they sit! Guess what, kids don’t know any different. Pins and needles? Yeah, my two year old is always complaining about that. He doesn’t mind sitting in his poop or wearing a shirt with juice spilled all over it. Do you think he cares about his legs dangling?

| Filed under Bad Things, Kids

10 thoughts on “You have GOT to be kidding me!

  1. i’ll take one bumper bonnet, please. in an adult size xl.

    AND a food cooler. i don’t like my children to learn patience. ever.

  2. Sometimes when I see the things that the baby stores put out I do have a good laugh. But then I also think, if I were independently wealthy when I had my first baby would I have bought into it? Who knows.

    The food cooler plate, is a nice way to add to the pile of dishes after dinner, which I just love.

  3. Ridiculous. It amazes me the things these companies can come up with. I’m even more amazed that people keep buying them. Geesh.

  4. This is a great post…I agree with you, all of these items are totally superfluous! Great marketing!

  5. Histerically hilarious! I remember when you were a new mom and bought a warmer so little India would not be shocked by a room-temp wipie. I also work near DI (drop in daily!) and see all the “smell-proof” dirty diaper storage equipment on sale. Does anybody use these things for more than the first 3 months of their child’s life? My kids (inlcuding you) just take the messy one’s out to the trash, thus expending wholesome calories.

  6. hahaha sitting in his own poop hahaha! You crack me up!

    I’m with ya on this stuff though. I admit when I was a first time parent I was tempted, but always discouraged with the prices.

    I’m with Lonna – if I had the money I probably would have bought a few of these things, but now that I’ve had a couple kids I look at them and just laugh!

  7. There are actually a lot of really great products in that catalogue. but you definitely found that there are a ton of stupid ones too.

    I love how they suggest your child can’t wait 2 minutes for their mac and cheese to cool off, but they can wait 10 minutes for their bath bumper to get inflated. yeah right.

  8. Hi! I’m Kristen–just popped over from Mia’s to look at your food storage suggestions. Love this post! I got a good laugh!

  9. Thanks for the belly laughs. I loved your witty and precise description of these ‘necessity’ items. Does any one have a One Step Ahead mag I can borrow? There’s a few things I apparently need… 😉

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